Yesterday, after work – I felt like a complete mess. I missed my brother, my body felt like it was failing me time and time again – and I just sobbed. On Zack’s birthday — poor guy. I’m so thankful to have a fiance who doesn’t feel like the king of the world on his birthday and was happy to push aside his day to cheer me up. What a man <3
I just feel like everything is completely out of my control ( a feeling I am NOT used to!) and that my body is just failing me. No matter what I do – how well I take care of it – it just keeps failing me.
I eat well – I consume so many fruits and veggies, childhood me wouldn’t even believe it! I workout but I don’t obsess or over do it by any means.. I even stimulate my brain by always taking classes and being in school – growing and learning. I don’t do drugs, or drink TOO much (I dabble, I have a drink here and there but I can’t even remember the last time I was hammered)
Yet, here I sit.
In 10 days I am supposed to run a 10 mile race and 2 weeks after that I am supposed to run my first half-marathon. Yet – I can’t even barely get out 4 miles without falling over in pain. My doctor gave me the okay to gradually start getting miles in so long as I listen to my body (and with the warning that it’s not smart to do so yet) and that if my knee feels up to it, I can race at my own risk… He’s right – it’s an idiotic thing to do but I’m considering it anyway because my pride is too big.
I trained well for these races. I’ve had 6 months to build my mileage up, so it isn’t like I over trained or built up my mileage in a small amount of time. I was smart and safe about it. Wanting to ensure my body was ready for 13.1 when April came…. But of course I get injured at my last 5k before the big double digit races…… I know everyone says there are other races, but my ego doesn’t want to hear this.
Also, yesterday while finishing up The Hunger Games, at one point I rubbed my eyes and realized I had been squinting hardcore the entire time. I looked up and blinked a few times only to feel like they were getting fuzzier, and aching. Great – my eyes are getting WORSE. Exactly what I wanted to happen… Or something 
Last but not least…
My ovary… My lone ovary. I already lost one and my left one is constantly at risk of needing to be removed. I don’t talk about it much – but it scares me. I want kids some day. I used to know that I would adopt, but after meeting Zack – I realized I wanted to create a baby, out of love who shared our big hearts and love and genetics. I don’t need a mini-me – ick – But I fell in love with the idea of one day starting our own family. Adopting a baby that needs loving parents will be fine if that’s what has to happen – but it isn’t any less crushing to realize that I may never be able to have my own.
It’s not fair.
I know people who smoked 2 packs of cigs a day, drank their liver raw on a daily basis, and shoved any pile of garbage that was shoved in front of them down their throats….. and live to a billion years old with bodies that live strong. Then there is me who does EVERYTHING. I take vitamins, eat well, sleep as well as I can (admittedly this is my weakest area of health) I run, I’ve started strength training, I hike, I dance around all the time – I’m generally a happy person. BUT MY BODY WANTS TO FAIL ME ON A REGULAR BASIS.
It isn’t fair.
But life isn’t fair. That’s a lesson 2012 keeps reminding me again and again and again.
have you ever felt like your body is failing you?
I’m sorry to hear this. I feel you on the injuries and life and everything just feeling piled up at once. Trust me, I’ve had my fair share of both mini- and full on- meltdowns lately. I’m dealing with injuries preventing running, a health scare, and another health concern not related to the “scare.” I think it’s ok to have those breakdowns though. You gotta get it out. But to answer your question…yep, I totally feel like my body is failing me too.
I think we all get to these points – sometime in our lives’; it’s pushing past this , that is most important!
Honestly I’ve always felt a little that way. Growing in the shadow of two older brothers, one who cross-country skied at the junior olympics in high school, one who was a state champ diver, I have never amounted to anything much physically, I barely made varsity during running or skiing throughout high school.
Maybe it’s just a mental block, and if I dedicated myself, truly dedicated myself, I could achieve that same greatness. Alas, perhaps I am failing my body.
I’ve been reading your blog lately, like many of your readers I assume, for no particular reason. Your posts aren’t necessarily life changing or career advancing. Still, like all of your readers, I can’t stop following your story. Whether you meant it to be or not, your life is amazing, and the fact that you are proud enough to share is just as amazing.
So thank you for that.
As far as the races, there is always next year. It’s a sentiment you probably don’t care to hear or have already been told too many times.
When I was a few years younger, I had an odd problem with my thumb. To this day, I’m not sure what it was. The skin would dry and at worst, small fissured would develop. It was very painful, it would come for a week and leave for two, only to return.
I asked my Dad once about it, I was very worried because I was suspicious of severe frostbite or worse. I’ve never forgotten what he said.
“This too will pass.”
I still remember the calm that his wisdom gave me. Now as I retell the story it seems a little cliche and anticlimactic. Well I can’t explain it, just like I can’t explain why I read every one of your stories with anticipation and hope.
All I can say is that it comforted me, and I hope it helps.
I just wanted to say thank you. I read this comment when I published this post, but I was re-reading old posts and stumbled across this, and it as an inspiration I needed to dedicate more time to my blog again!!
“this too shall pass”
one of the best quotes.
I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. Everyone’s story is different and I’ve sure had my days of “NOT FAIR” but in the end something comes along that reminds me everything is going to be OK even if it wasn’t what i expected or requested.
I’m too am sorry that you are going through this now. I too feel like my body has been failing me. I was supposed to run a half marathon in April and had been training well and my legs felt stronger than ever. But then, something happened and I’m now having my ACL reconstructed for the second time on Monday. It stinks and is super frustrating. I’ve had the same sentiments as you – I’m healthy, I take care of myself, etc. and it doesn’t seem fair that others who don’t take care of themselves are fine. I’ve been trying to look at this as an opportunity to learn and grow, that I’ll be stronger because of this. At least that’s what I’m trying to tell myself
That being said, I think you have every right to feel frustrated and there are definitely folks that empathize. I hope that you feel better soon!!
I don’t know you, but my heart breaks for you. You live in a scary realm of reality that most of us here can’t imagine. I’ll send some prayers and good vibes your way, and I hope that soon you realize how the very act of trying makes you resilient, and your strength will be rewarded.
Char….you’ve been through a lot recently. I can’t imagine what it’d be like to lose one of my sisters. Despite all your amazing efforts, your body underwent some major stress. And injuries? Runners don’t do well injured. I don’t know a single runner who embraces injury. lol We’re all anxious, impatient lunatics that can’t fathom waiting it out. Especially with an upcoming race in sight.
I know exactly what you mean about people and their bodily abuse. It’s amazing to see how many healthy people out there endure health issues. But I can say that I see a tremendous difference in healthy people and unhealthy people: healthy people tend to kick ass and do everything they possibly can to push through and come out victorious. Unhealthy people tend to have to either change EVERYTHING about their lives…or they give up. (I’ve seen this first hand.)
And this sort of thing angers me about kids, too. Unhealthy people giving birth to babies with problems. Careless people neglecting the handful of children they’ve brought into the world. The list goes on…and I hate seeing young, beautiful, healthy, and loving people like yourself have to struggle. This is why I don’t, ever, take what I’ve been blessed with for granted. Just know that things will happen for you the way they should…whether it’s adoption or not. I wish I knew the right words to say, but I truly and honestly believe that there are big things out there for you.
i seriously adore you! you are so sweet, and i know you understand a lot of the things I’m dealing with because of some of your recent posts!!! You’re not that far from me, some time we’ll have to plan a 5k to run or something!!!
Definitely! I’d love to!
And the adoration is mutual.