Yesterday, after work – I felt like a complete mess. I missed my brother, my body felt like it was failing me time and time again – and I just sobbed. On Zack’s birthday — poor guy. I’m so thankful to have a fiance who doesn’t feel like the king of the world on his birthday and was happy to push aside his day to cheer me up. What a man <3
I just feel like everything is completely out of my control ( a feeling I am NOT used to!) and that my body is just failing me. No matter what I do – how well I take care of it – it just keeps failing me.
I eat well – I consume so many fruits and veggies, childhood me wouldn’t even believe it! I workout but I don’t obsess or over do it by any means.. I even stimulate my brain by always taking classes and being in school – growing and learning. I don’t do drugs, or drink TOO much (I dabble, I have a drink here and there but I can’t even remember the last time I was hammered)
Yet, here I sit.
In 10 days I am supposed to run a 10 mile race and 2 weeks after that I am supposed to run my first half-marathon. Yet – I can’t even barely get out 4 miles without falling over in pain. My doctor gave me the okay to gradually start getting miles in so long as I listen to my body (and with the warning that it’s not smart to do so yet) and that if my knee feels up to it, I can race at my own risk… He’s right – it’s an idiotic thing to do but I’m considering it anyway because my pride is too big.
I trained well for these races. I’ve had 6 months to build my mileage up, so it isn’t like I over trained or built up my mileage in a small amount of time. I was smart and safe about it. Wanting to ensure my body was ready for 13.1 when April came…. But of course I get injured at my last 5k before the big double digit races…… I know everyone says there are other races, but my ego doesn’t want to hear this.
Also, yesterday while finishing up The Hunger Games, at one point I rubbed my eyes and realized I had been squinting hardcore the entire time. I looked up and blinked a few times only to feel like they were getting fuzzier, and aching. Great – my eyes are getting WORSE. Exactly what I wanted to happen… Or something
Last but not least…
My ovary… My lone ovary. I already lost one and my left one is constantly at risk of needing to be removed. I don’t talk about it much – but it scares me. I want kids some day. I used to know that I would adopt, but after meeting Zack – I realized I wanted to create a baby, out of love who shared our big hearts and love and genetics. I don’t need a mini-me – ick – But I fell in love with the idea of one day starting our own family. Adopting a baby that needs loving parents will be fine if that’s what has to happen – but it isn’t any less crushing to realize that I may never be able to have my own.
It’s not fair.
I know people who smoked 2 packs of cigs a day, drank their liver raw on a daily basis, and shoved any pile of garbage that was shoved in front of them down their throats….. and live to a billion years old with bodies that live strong. Then there is me who does EVERYTHING. I take vitamins, eat well, sleep as well as I can (admittedly this is my weakest area of health) I run, I’ve started strength training, I hike, I dance around all the time – I’m generally a happy person. BUT MY BODY WANTS TO FAIL ME ON A REGULAR BASIS.
It isn’t fair.
But life isn’t fair. That’s a lesson 2012 keeps reminding me again and again and again.
have you ever felt like your body is failing you?