As personal as I get on my blog, I don’t get as personal as I could. There are little details of my life I certainly don’t share here. My finances, my lack of checking up on my ovaries since getting the clear after my treatment over a year ago…. (I don’t talk about that one to avoid the lectures. Give me medical insurance and I’ll go every 60 days like I’m supposed to)
The lyrics from The Goo Goo Dolls song “Iris” comes to mind every time I consider writing about some of my financial and health woes. “and I don’t want the world to see me, cause I don’t think that they’d understand.”
Life is a constant test of our strength, our determination, our will power. We are always being tested, and I feel like after 23 years of getting by easier than a lot of people in this world, life has decided that 2012 is the year it will push me to my limits and test me as hard and for as long as it can.
I thought I finally made it out of the darkness. I was moving past the loss of my brother. You know, I’ve even gotten to the point where I can smile and even laugh at the pictures and videos of him that I have. (sometimes) It is absolutely amazing to me the healing power of time. I’ll always be devastated of our loss of Matthew, but over time it gets both harder and easier. I’m moving forward every day, and was starting to see the sunshine through the clouds. I don’t talk about it much, but his loss put me in one of the darkest corners I’ve ever been in during my lifetime.
But, true to form this year — if it isn’t one thing it’s another….
Next Friday I am being forced to move to our home town. Our lease is up at the end of the month (wow, a year already?) and resigning our lease is agreeing to $200 extra a month for rent. Which is doable right this very second, if we never rented a movie, never had an ounce of fun, never did anything but go to work and come home. But next month Zack goes back to university and his hours at work will drop to less than half what he is getting now. The apartments in our area are even more expensive. Sure, I can move into a crack neighborhood that gets shot up every other day in downtown Baltimore for less than we’re paying now, but I’m not willing to put my safety at risk like that. Not to mention we have one car and getting to Owings Mills everyday for work and Green Spring every day for Zack’s classes is impossible. GS and OM aren’t on the light rail line…
I do everything I can. I work full-time. I’ve put off going back to school several semesters in a row because, if I spend my time in a classroom those are less hours I have to be working and making money. I work 40-50 hours every week and still don’t have health insurance, still struggle to put a roof over our heads and food in our stomach.
It isn’t fair. I see people who literally sit on their asses all day, doing practically nothing and making a fortune. I see people abusing drugs and getting help from the state. But me, who works on her feet 40+ hours a week, watches what she eats, doesn’t do drugs, barely drinks… I get no help, I struggle and am forced to be ripped away from my fiance.
Yeah, I forgot to mention that Zack will not be coming with me. He has one year of college left and I refuse to let him put it on hold because of this. He has grandparents here that he can stay with. His grandparents won’t let us stay there together before we’re married, and I can understand their decision. Does that make it easier? No. But I can understand and respect their wishes.
So, back to NY I go with my tail between my legs. I’m terrified, and angry, and so upset that words don’t even do it justice. I was a different person last time I lived in Jamestown. I was completely different. Falling in love with running and a healthy lifestyle completely changed me. I have grown, I have matured, I have changed truly and completely. All of my friends are still abusing alcohol and drugs, still staying up on the weekends until 4am drinking, still making excuses for themselves. I love them to pieces, but I have evolved. I have grown to hate the girl I used to be and the last thing I want to do is take a million steps backwards and become her again. Yes, I know that the place I live can’t dictate the person I am, but the people I surround myself with CAN. When I surround myself with inspirational people I grow, when I surround myself with people doing the same things every day of their life, I come to a stand still. “you are the average of your 5 closest friends”
It doesn’t end there, though. How could it? One major, heart-breaking life change couldn’t possibly be enough. No, of course not.
You see, the last few weeks I have felt pressure in my lower abdomen. I thought nothing of it at first, but as time goes on the pressure is getting worse. Last night in bed I found the pressure to be worse than its been so I kept running my hand back and forth over my lower abdomen. I noticed a slight raise on the right side. It all clicked. All of the pieces to the puzzle clicked and I started to panic.
Pressure of the lower abdomen, slight pain above the pelvic bone, the raising of one side, bloating, messed up menstrual cycles, CRIPPLING BED-RIDDEN cramps during that time of the month…. These are all things I’ve been experiencing lately and they are all key symptoms of ovarian cysts.
Ovarian cysts to the average woman isn’t very scary. But 2 years ago I had an ovarian cyst ruptur. After 12 hours of bleeding internally in the ER, hey took out 80% of my right ovary and biopsied it. The cysts were cancerous. I went through treatment and surgery and finally in the beginning of 2011 I was cancer-free. If my cysts are back, there is an insanely high chance that they are cancerous again. But the worst part is I don’t have insurance. I don’t have money. I can’t just walk into the doctors office and have an appointment to get checked out. No doctor will take a patient who doesn’t have the money OR insurance… The messed up part of our damn health care system is that I don’t make enough money to afford health care on my own, but I make too much money to receive medical assistance (plus I have a pre-existing condition. They wouldn’t help me anyway) OR be able to get a free appointment at Planned Parenthood. The only way I can see a doctor right now is if I wait until it becomes an emergency situation and have to go to the ER.
I try so hard to stay positive. I try so hard to smile at every person I see and laugh whenever I can, but this is all too much right now. This isn’t a cry for help. This isn’t where I want you to all comment how sorry you are.
No, this is just me, letting it all out. I can’t talk to my mom about this — she just lost her only son… I can’t talk to her about how terrified i am that I’m next. That if I can’t figure out a way to make 20 grand and cover what surely will be very expensive medical bills that I’m going to be the next one gone.
I’m just terrified. Every moment of every day lately. It’s crippling. I used to pride myself on never being afraid. But I’m afraid every day since Matthew passed on. I’m afraid for myself, my family, my mother recovering from it…
I just needed to let it all out. Talk about it someplace. I already feel better just letting these things out. It’s hard bottling everything up. I’m a very open book, and its freeing to be so open. It can be scary, but the sense of relief is incredible. Not to mention the tightness in my chest is fading.
life is a series of stages, and this is just another one of them. you will kick the shit out of this bad situation. I’ve been in very similar situations and they totally suck and it’s almost always impossible to see the other side, but it always comes. xoxoxo
We all love you and are here for you to keep you positive. We will all support you how you wish to be and that is without sympathy but with love. I wish I could help you financially – but I am completely in the same position you are in the finance department and we are helping two kids go to daycare and get educated and such. Keep your head up and we are all here for you when you need us….WE LOVE YOU!
First things first. You need to see a doctor. I don’t know the systems, but there has to be a way. Going to an emergency room, a county hospital, somewhere. They have to take you, then worry about the bills later. Because that way there WILL at least be a later.
All the other stuff is challenging and frustrating and sad, but not taking care of your medical issues is life threatening. Please, please find some way to do it.
I too have been in some seriously suck ass situations where there seems to be no light anywhere, never mind the end of the tunnel. You are strong, and you will come out of this on the other side being all the more stronger because of it.
I don’t want to tell you to stay positive because I think it’s helpful to have a full on anger/cry fest now and again when the middle of these types of situations, but I will say to try to keep the negative from consuming you. Forcing yourself to try to have fun is good – it helps you forget even if just for a few moments.
If you don’t feel comfortable voicing all of your feelings/thoughts on your regular blog make sure you find another outlet (even if it’s a private journal/blog) where you can just get this stuff out of your system.
hugs!!!
HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I so understand the no insurance thing. People don’t get that if you go, then you have a pre-existing condition & you will never be able to afford what you can’t right now – it is a catch 22. The “emergency insurance” stuff costs a lot too & basically you get nothing for it unless you are dying. Such a tough situation. I am in a no money place too so I wish I could help but can’t – HUGS & know there are people that understand.. although your condition sounds really immediate – HUGS!!!!!
Oh honey
I can sympathize on some levels– I have pre-existing conditions that, as a small business owner where no one else is required to cover me, I too struggle getting coverage. I ended up having a surgery when I wasn’t covered to remove some pre-cancerous cells. Was it awful and ridiculously expensive? Hell yes. But I’m healthy now and after years of paying off the surgery each month, that is finally taken care of. Your health is first priority, and you can ALWAYS deal with the bills later. Take care of yourself! xo
OH LOVEBUG! Reading this breaks my heart. You and I have waged countless facebook/twitter wars about the issue of medical care in US. So I say – come to Canada! I will sponsor you! You can live on my couch and we’ll make you well!
All that being said, as a gal who know what it feels like to be kicked when you are down, just know that you are stronger than all of this! “Challenges are what makes life interesting. Overcoming them makes life worth living”. You will overcome all of this and lead the beautiful life you are meant to lead!
Char, my heart goes out to you. I know this year has totally sucked, but you need to get to the doctor. Take care of your health first and foremost; the bills can wait. And you never know what the future holds. I believe that good things happen to good people!
Oh, Charlotte. My heart breaks for you on so many levels. You’re right, you don’t deserve this. And I know you already know them, but please, reach out to the Ulman folks. They are tailor made for your situation. I’d be happy to help you along with them if you need it. Big positive thoughts and vibes going your way.
I know that I’m just echoing the words of the amazing people above me, but we all love you. I know you’re going to make it out okay because you’re such a crazy, persistent fighter and you won’t take shit lying down. You’re not one to just roll over and say “well life, you win” so I KNOW you’re going to make it out.
I am in disbelief over the American health care system. It blows my mind how craptastic it is. Sorry if I’m offending any Americans reading this right now (I’m Canadian so I had to apologize for something). If you ever want a change of scenery, my spare room in Saskatchewan is always open for you
If I could, I would walk right up to you & give you the biggest hug I possibly could! I’m thinking you and believing that all will work out in the end!!
I know you said you don’t want any ‘I’m sorry’s’ – but I really am sorry to read this, what an awful situation. It takes a situation like this to really cast light on how crappy the system can be, doesn’t it? Stand strong, there are a lot of people rooting for you. Sometimes it’s hard to see the good when awful things happen but I truly believe that things happen for a reason. You are a strong girl, you will kick this thing’s ass, and be a stronger person for it. Something will work out – it always does. Keep your chin up and don’t lose faith. Hugs!!
Sending love and good vibes from NYC! But there has GOT to be a solution. Please forgive me if you’ve gone through all of these, just trying to help.
Parents insurance? If you’re only 23, a lot of insurances cover up to 30, especially now that you will be moving home.
I’m not sure if you’ve checked out the Planned Parenthoods in NY, but every state differs on what you pay/ don’t pay. I want to say I either didn’t pay or the visit was no more than $20 in NY but when I went to one in New Orleans for a visit, it was wayy over $100. So, I’d look into that. NY is one awesome blue state when it comes to that stuff, IMHO.
And if all else fails, you have 2 couches you can rock in Canada. Seriously. Your health isn’t something that can wait on this country to get it’s shit together for.
Don’t worry about that person you used to be, just keep being awesome. The best way I know how to get through anything is to remember, everything in life is only for now (Thank you, Avenue Q). I have faith.
Hi Charlotte I’m a fellow SPA and first time reader of your blog. I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I (obviously) don’t know the details of your brother’s death but my own brother was killed several years ago so I’m sending virtual {{{hugs}}} from one sister to another. I’d like to say that it gets easier but really that’s not the case, over time you just realize that you’re living a new normal. I laugh and joke about my brother all the time but every now and then something reminds me of him and I lose it. I’m sorry to read about everything else that you have going on in your life. I’m sure you know this, but you are one strong woman! I’m glad that you opened up and I hope that you find comfort and encouragement from all of your readers. Feel free to e-mail me anytime (noshingonasphat AT gmail DOT com) if you ever need to talk.
-Gina
Charlotte: As a mom, allow me the perhaps selfish opportunity to say that your mom may actually need/ want/ welcome you talking with her and sharing with her. I totally follow your point that she is overwhelmed with enough sadness and worry already. But to stay clear to “protect” her is creating a distance and gap that may make her feel even more separated from her loved ones. Of course you know her better (I know her not one bit), but your mom may need and welcome the opportunity to parent and help you in your time of need.
I second what Kimberly said. I was thinking similar things after my first post. Your mom loves you and wants you healthy.
I second what Kymberly is saying. I thought something similar after my first post. Your mom wants you healthy.
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I *know* you have the strength the get through this, but I wish you didn’t have to go through it all the same. I second, or third or fourth, what others have said: please, please go see a doctor and worry about bills later. Keep strong.
I won’t say I feel your pain or I understand, because I don’t. What I will say is that I think you made a very wise decision blogging about everything that’s going on in your life right now. Letting go of some of it by writing it definitely held relieve some of the tension and pressure.
You know how to reach me if you ever need someone to talk to. Keep your head up, it WILL get better.
Xoxo
My mom always says “when you’re going through Hell, keep going”. You sound extremely strong, things will get better. Keep your head up
Oh hun… first things first, please, please, please go to the doctor. I know medical bills are awful (I had no insurance for awhile, it sucked financially). Most places are willing to work out a payment plan or have a sliding scale pay structure. Afterwards, you should probably talk to your mom and share your concerns (granted I don’t what your relationship is but as someone whose gone to therapy and is training to be a therapist, it’s not healthy to keep your feelings inside (you already feel better for posting this, right?).
Anyway, you will get through this – you are strong and brave. I just wish you didn’t have to go through this pain. You’re not going back to NY with your tail in between your legs. Don’t think of yourself that way. EVER. You got this. You recognize what has to be done and that’s not shameful or embarrassing. It takes a lot of courage, if anything.
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