First off — I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who had nothing but kind words and support on my post the other day about my well… Current situation. I spent a good chunk of my day yesterday calling around to Doctors and explaining all of my situation. The finances (or well, lack there of) the past experiences with my condition. Finally after calling around until I was blue in the face I found a Dr who is willing to work with me and set up a payment plan (hoooray debt!) and I have set up an appointment.
But — that’s not what today is about. Today is about love. Exactly one year from today, I will be marrying my best friend.
I feel so lucky to be marrying my best friend. Words just can’t even explain how happy I am with him in my life. I don’t know what I did to deserve him and have fate send him my way, but I must have done something right.
Most little girls spend a good chunk of their time dreaming up their wedding. Or at least, that’s what all the movies and TV shows say. I, however, was not that little girl. In fact, from a very young age I was certain marriage wasn’t in the cards for me. I dated just like any other high schooler/college student did. I had my fair share of some what serious relationships, but through all of those I was still strictly in the “marriage isn’t for me” camp. My parents divorced. My dad’s parents divorced. My sister and her husband divorced. My brother never had a healthy relationship a day in his life. Almost every single one of my aunts and uncles on my father’s side have divorced & re-married multiple times… I was not going to do that. Divorce will not be a part of my life.
I also had this strange idea that marriage equals weakness. I saw my father beat down my mother (not literally, of course) but she became a shell of the strong woman she once was. She let him walk all over her during the course of their marriage. He is a great father, but he was definitely the man of that relationship and it showed. I saw my sister let go of her dreams for her exhusband. He is an incredible man and treated her with every oz of respect a woman deserves, but they had such different goals and passions — she set her dreams aside to be his wife. I saw my aunts cry and cry over these men who to me never seemed worth a moment of their time.
So I just decided it wasn’t for me. I never had those feelings when with any of my ex boyfriends. I never had the urge to have children or settle down and have a family. The world is my family. The open road, the inside of airports. That was what felt like home to me.
Then I met Zack. I never believed the nonsense about knowing immediately that you were going to spend the rest of your life with someone. But, I proved myself wrong. (Something I am infamous for doing.)
It wasn’t the first date.. But it was definitely that first week together. We had been friends for a bit before that, but after we began to date he was ripped away from me to go back to college here in Maryland (at that time I was still living in NY) The day he left I went to my best friend’s apartment and we were chatting about the new man in my life. I uttered words that I simply never thought would stumble out of my mouth. I said “Kanisha, I think I could fall in love with him and spend the rest of my life happy with him” her response?
“he melted the ice princess….. her heart grew 3 sizes that day”
Yep, that was a running joke of ours. That I had an icy heart, that love just wasn’t something for me. In every single relationship of mine I had always found some reason to push them away, to run. I would simply get up and leave without looking back.
Although I had said that I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with him, marriage still hadn’t come to mind. I still was in the no kids camp, and figured if we weren’t going to have children what was the need for a piece of paper legally binding us as a couple? Couldn’t we just spend the rest of our days living together, happily ever after?
After moving to Maryland with him, and falling deeper and deeper in love every day I knew I wanted a family with this man. I wanted to settle down somewhere with him and buy a house, make babies, grow old. I wanted it all. So… I proposed. Yeah, I know… What woman in her right mind proposes? Well folks… This woman. I want when I want, when I want it, okay?
It has now been 6 months since we became engaged. We are exactly a year out from the big day and it finally feels real. I dunno, the whole 18 month engagement thing is a bit long. Things just didn’t feel real. Even though we’ve already selected a date. Reserved the venue & bought my dress …. It just still felt SO far away, like it was never going to come. Now, that it is 365 days away…. It feels SO FREAKING CLOSE. I go back and forth between “oh my gosh I need it to be here now” to OH MY GOSH HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PLAN A WEDDING WHEN I’VE ONLY EVER BEEN TO ONE WEDDING AND IT WAS BORING AND LAME AND I HATED IT?
On the bright side… Our venue is freaking gorgeous so I’m pretty sure even if everything else falls apart… It will still be a gorgeous ceremony. haha
Regardless of the fact that I’m pretty sure I’m going to royally screw up the whole planning thing, I’m incredibly excited to start the next chapter of our lives. As a married couple moving to Austin.
To celebrate, what we have dubbed as our “pre-niversary” we are going to see the the Dark Knight Rises. (Which, come on… as a nerdly nerdfest of a couple, could that be a better sign that we picked the perfect wedding date?) Then Zack’s best man is coming to town to stay with us for the weekend!!