Training for my second half-marathon has been completely, 100% different than training for Iron Girl Columbia. For multiple reasons, of course. Yes, this was a lot less “scary” because at this point I know I can run the distance. 13.1 is a large number, for sure, but I’ve done it already. So I know that my body is capable of hitting the mileage. That in itself has made this training cycle completely different. A LOT less stressful.
However, as much as I hate to admit this, I do feel I need to put it out there. Maybe talking about it will make the ache go away? Sometimes I get really sad that my support system is gone. YES, I have tons of friends who cheer me on. I have YOU GUYS who rock my friggin world and believe in me more than I believe in myself… I have my step-mom who will even be running Rock n Roll San Antonio with me..
But, there is something about having someone who doesn’t quite understand running and thinks you’re just absolutely insane for going out there day in and day out. Someone who shares in the tears when you cross the finish line, accomplishing your biggest dreams. Someone who moves to different parts on the course just so you can see their face when the going gets rough.
I started running FOR ME. To prove something to myself. I don’t NEED anyone else in order to push myself harder and harder each and every day. My mind is my biggest critic, and for that reason alone, I challenge myself to run faster, harder, longer. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t motivating, and that doesn’t mean it didn’t make my heart flutter having someone out there cheering ME on. Someone out there whose only concern in the world was seeing ME cross the finish line.
During training for Columbia I would get asked daily “how did your run go?” “how many miles did you do?” No matter if my answer was, I ran 1 mile in 450 minutes (ok, so that never happened) he would still tell me I was doing great and that he was proud of me. That was a great push.. Having someone who truly thought that no matter how fast or slow I was, that I was incredible just for trying. He would never dream of running 13.1 miles.. So I was his little crazy insane runner. He would shake his head any time I ran more than like… 3 miles. He would be at the finish line of my 5ks and ask how it went and I’d say “it was horrible. I ran SO SLOW.” His response was always “shoot I’d still be on mile one” which would make me laugh, every time.
I try not to dwell on these memories. I realize that I made a decision, and it was the best decision I could have made for myself given the cards I was dealt. Does that make me stop caring? Absolutely not. Does that make my heart stop hurting? Yea-Friggin-Right. Does that make this training cycle any less lonely? PFFFFFFFFFFFT.
It will be an odd feeling not having someone wrap me in their embrace after I cross the finish line, not having him call me crazy and make fun of me. 
But… It will be a step in the right direction. A form of closure, perhaps.. To realize, it really is over and that I’m moving forward with my life, making the best and healthiest decisions I can.
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
(Also virtual high-five to whoever can tell me where the quote comes from WITHOUT GOOGLING IT)
Aw this post was great, you go girl! My boyfriend is just as supportive and is always teasing me when I say I was slow or ran badly or “only ran 5 miles today”. I was upset just yesterday because my parents don’t seem to really care about my running but just say “that’s nice” and don’t really ask me about it or come to my races while I think it’s this huge accomplishment for me to have finished my second half and be semi-fast at the same time! In the end running is all about yourself and doing it because you love it. Sending charm city running love!
I think this was really brave of you. I feel so lucky to have Josh to cheer me on, there is something special about that close support system. It must be really tough to not have it now but I know you are strong enough to do it on your own and that eventually you will find that again!
It’s amazing to find those seemingly small moments that allow you to realize that you are a sufficient, strong, amazing individual who doesn’t need to be defined by having someone by your side. I know what you’re going through, in that sense. While I don’t know your circumstances, I remember going through a difficult separation (end of an engagement) and I did races, among other things, to occupy my mind. While, for me, it wasn’t a race that gave me closure, I did find it.
And it has led me, today, to not only learning that there was someone even better and more perfect for me, out there, but also that I was a self-sufficient, strong woman.
We’ll all be cheering you on, though!!
Thanks for sharing such important details. Its so hard to find people who support everything you do so I can imagine how hard it can be to lose that. Stay strong and you will find it again.
I’m fortunate to have all that you mentioned from my husband. We’re supporting and cheering you on but it’s just not the same. It sounds like you made the right decision and one day that “embrace at the finish line” will be there.
[Fitness, Health and Happiness]
Having a support system is crucial! My hubby doesn’t get it but he’s there cheering me on. It’s tough when all you get is “that’s nice.” My parents are kind of like that. Have you looked into a local running club? That’s a great source for support from people who get it!
I sooo echo HAPPY FIT MAMA and the running club.
xo
I just ran a PR on a 5k last week – alone. My first run post-break up and it was the best feeling I’ve had in months. You may be surprised how little you care that someone isn’t waiting across that finish line this time. There will be someday.
hang in there girl! you’re stronger than you know!
You are wise beyond your young years! There may not be someone there this time, but there will be one of these days. In the meantime, you’ve got some real, earned pride to keep you company when you cross.
I know it’s not the same, but I ran the ATM alone this weekend. My husb was out of town and my friend bailed. It was weird, but it really let me “run my own race” without having to think of anyone else. (((hugs)))
AW girlie! This post hurt my little robot heart. You can do this. And if ever you need a little encouragement email me. SERIOUSLY! I can be your virtual cheerleader. You can email me your run and your times, and I will cheer for you from Canada! LOVE YA!
You can do this and know that you have support from all over (be it physical or virtual!) You are a strong and courageous woman!
I’m cheering you on
xo
When I did my (only) half marathon a few weeks ago, the only people who cheered me on were FitFluential and Twitter friends. Not a single family member or in-person friend. But the funny thing is, I never noticed that until just now. Why? Because I was so encouraged and inspired by all the kind texts & tweets I did get. I only mention this because I have a feeling you’ll be surprised by how much support you get in other ways. And yes, it is sad to lose something so wonderful, and I’m glad you have such happy memories. Just because he wasn’t right for you in the long run doesn’t mean he wasn’t good. Here’s to you!
Aw I’m sorry you are hurting and missing the support and companionship of a SO right now. Things have a way of working out for the best and I’m sure the tough decisions you made are for the best as well. Big hugs!
You go girl! Having a person/boyfriend/spouse there is a wonderful bonus, but you need to take care of yourself and do it for you. And it sounds like you are doing just that. Although it sucks now, and I don’t know anything other than what you have written, this is all for the best. I write a no-nonsense blog about relationships, fitness, food, etc. Feel free to check it out. It is VERY HONEST!
Good luck in your next adventure! http://www.shutthef-up.com
I know that you know that you have all of us here cheering you on but I also know that it’s not the same. It’s OK for your heart to hurt – you’re human. How could it not hurt and now dwell at time? But you are strong and so very wise, you know that, right? I echo Miss Zippy – there might not be that one person there at the end of this race but there will be. xoxo
I have a feeling you are going to find a lot of strength through running and training this time around. And crossing that finish line will be that much sweeter. Hugs to you Char!
I know it is different, but I really struggled with the first race I ran that my husband wasn’t able to run as well. He has been injured and though he runs far faster than I do, he is always there to meet me at the finish line, to dissect every detail of the race, and to tell me how amazing I am (regardless of the fact that he crossed 25 minutes before me). Knowing I would not see him on the course, that he wouldn’t be there was a huge issue leading up to the race so I found a friend who pushed me through the race and kept me distracted! I ended up with a PR in the race, and a feeling of independence I really had not expected. I know you will make peace with the idea of running alone and after the race, you will be one step closer on your journey to the new you!
you are brave for opening up like this! the best part about having a blog is that we are all there for you to pick you up! Know that you always have readers to support you! (:
If you need some Pavey in your life, just let me know. I can pretend to know absolutely nothing about running and ask you all kinds of questions on twitter.
I can also pretend to be an expert and yell at you for going “too fast” or “too slow.”
Just let me know. Yep, I’m THAT cool.
Great and brave blog to write! It’s shocking sometimes how much that support is missed when not there. My husband is very supportive of my runs, and training schedules and craziness… I don’t know what I would do without that.
And…. I may not be the first on this…. but isn’t that Harry Potter, Sorcerer’s Stone?
I know the exact feeling. It happened to me last October when I ran the Red Bandana 5k for the 2nd time. The first time he was there. The second time nobody was there. It was strange. Nobody to smile and cheer me on as I cross the finish, No one to hold my stuff. But then this summer I ran another 5k that he was at the previous year. Knowing it was coming I decided to volunteer at the post-race party. That helped because I wasn’t there just for myself. I had people relying on me and that felt good. Now my friends and my clients some to cheer me on and I don’t miss him at all. With time you too will make your peace with it and find ways to create new experiences. And just as Alexandra said, just because he wasn’t right for you doesn’t mean he wasn’t good. Best of luck with your next 1/2.
I totally feel your pain. After having that support there it is hard when you no longer do. My last half I had a great guy waking up with me at the butt crack of dawn and encouraging me. My first marathon, no more man. It was strange to think about and miss him in that moment. You are right it is hard and it sucks like hell. I can only tell you that from my experience the missing them gets better with time.
I haven’t done a whole lot of races because of this. Now I can force my husband to cheer me on, but during our 1 year of marriage, I’ve been injured most of the time! I’ve had to move a lot in my adult life, so haven’t lived a lot of places where I had people to cheer me on. Post-race festivities are LAME when you’re all alone!
Awesome post girl. While I was training for my first half-marathon Chris was in Afghanistan. While we hadn’t separated I can relate to the loneliness you feel without someone special waiting there at the end.
Honesty is hard… and so is missing your biggest cheerleader- you are human, you have feelings and it’s okay for your heart to hurt!! However, I think that you are going to learn a lot about youself while training for/running this race and you’re going to come out so much stronger in the end. And, it’s time for a new race tradition for you — and start thinking about the post-race festivities now. One of my very favorite quotes is “Everytime you say goodbye, a new adventure begins”… and yours is now just beginning!!
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