Moving on can be some seriously tricky business.
When Z and I became engaged, much like any other Mr & Mrs. to-be, I expected to be done dating, forever. I thought I was going to die of old age with him by my side. Man and wife. Partners in crime until the very end… When that kind of bond is broken, it really is hard to imagine opening yourself up to the prospect of love, ever again.
(The spaces between the fingers of the boy who’s hand you’ve been holding? My fingers fit perfectly there once.)
Trust becomes a term that you seldom use in a sentence, especially in reference to others. But remember that you have to move on, somehow. You just pick your head up and stare at something beautiful, like the sky or the ocean, and you move the hell on. Take a deep breath, see you’re alive. That’s all you need to make it through the night.
At first, I boxed all of Zack’s stuff, every piece that attached me to the pain. The ring that meant “forever”, the pictures, the hand-written cards from the supposed-to-be in-laws, my wedding dress. Phase II, is in my opinion, the most important part in ‘moving on’ after serious heart break… After moving to Austin and settling into my new city, I truly set out on the journey of finding myself again. YOU WERE HAPPY BEFORE HIM AND YOU CAN BE HAPPY AFTER HIM.
Things didn’t work out because, bigger things were in the works. It’s so incredibly difficult while we’re blind and hurting; don’t know which way is up. But, if you have faith in anything, have faith that the universe has a way of straightening things out far better than we ever could imagine. You may not see it today or tomorrow, but you will look back one day and be awed by how every little thing added up and brought you somewhere wonderful. You will be grateful that things didn’t work out the way you once wanted them to.
Letting go and healing takes time. There are still days I feel guilty for being happy with someone else. There are still days I’m embarrassed for planning a beautiful wedding for nothing. Then there are days I just get lost in the beauty of my new home city and all of the wonderful people that surround me and feel over-joyed for every little aspect of my life. Including the painful setbacks that brought me here. You know that monologue from Lester Baggins at the end of American Beauty….
“And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life… You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry… you will someday.”
The biggest lesson that all of this taught me, is that the secret of being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way and own time.